It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?