Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Get in loser we’re going crying
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.