you stereotypes are all alike
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If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Brilliant!
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.