I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Spa day..😅
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye