At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.