windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
You Might Also Like
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing