Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
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That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination