I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
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Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Europe. Made in Germany.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem