Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩