if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
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Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
This raises questions
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress