Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Krampus.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
when there are deer in the woods
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties