I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
You Might Also Like
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!