major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
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HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.