I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
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“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist