[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.