1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
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A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
The morning after pill, but for tweets
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.