Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.