“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
asked my bf how work was today
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.