A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My neck my back my allergy attack
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.