Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
You Might Also Like
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single