they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford