Jupiter
You Might Also Like
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
*limbos under the caution tape
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?