My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
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Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
It was worth a shot 😂
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me