my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
do horses think humans are hats
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.