My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
You Might Also Like
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
dam girl
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.