If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
You Might Also Like
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Why is no one talking about this?!
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”