Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
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HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.