Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
You Might Also Like
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better