This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
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I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Skills
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.