if a cop pulls u over play dead
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My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.