At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.