#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
X-tra spooky blend
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*