This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
“HELP WITH CAT”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
SF is the wild wild west man
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created