What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
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You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
pelicons
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.