Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
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*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
One of the best
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom