I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
LOL
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no