I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
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“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.