Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
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If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Möther may I have a snäck
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.