Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
You Might Also Like
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.