Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
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Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Proofread twice, hang posters once
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.