i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
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What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Got him!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Woke up against my better judgment again
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.