I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
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If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
#ParentingFacts
#SCOTUS one-star review
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
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me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Ha
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min