Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.