I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
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My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Had an epiphany today.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them