If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.