[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.