Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
How I like cutting carbs
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
My dating profile:
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens