Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
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Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕