[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Customer is always right
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills