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I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.